As summer comes to an end, I can’t help but reflect on how drastically my life has shifted this past year. Early spring, I experienced a tremendous loss that has literally changed who I am and how I perceive the world around me. My priorities have shifted so drastically, and it’s taken me awhile to understand how things in my inner psyche and outer world have played out. For example- keeping a clean home. This summer, that has not been a priority. I’ve kept my home tidy and looking nice, but I don’t think I once pulled out my heavy duty cleaning supplies and spent an entire day cleaning. Another example- keeping a full bank account. Now, I’m not sure I’ve ever had a “full” bank account, but I’ve realized this summer that being “comfortable” doesn’t mean being able to buy or do whatever I want. Instead, being comfortable, for me, this summer, has meant making connections and being authentic.
I have always loved helping others. It’s why I do what I do. But something was lost for me over the last years, both professionally and personally. And what I lost was that sense of connection and authenticity. I began chasing money more than cultivating a career I truly loved. I gave up time with my family to work late nights and do everything. I sacrificed some of my core values time and time again working in a culture that didn’t support connection and authenticity.
At first, at the very beginning of the summer, this change was forced upon me. I literally could not get out of my bed except to take care of my son. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t exercise. I couldn’t do much of anything except cry, write, and listen to sad songs. Then, at some point this summer, a gradual shift began to occur. It started with a yoga class one night, that my wonderful friend encouraged me to attend, and even took the time to go with me. I’d done yoga before, and truly enjoyed it, but this time was so different. I was so scared to be still and quiet with myself for one hour. But I did it. And as I continued with yoga, again and again, I began to soften. I was still crying, still listening to sad songs, but I was also beginning to take a soft look at my life, and appreciate all I’ve done up til now while also thinking about how some things just HAD to change.
And so things started to change. I took a leave of absence from work to support my grieving and healing process, which eventually shifted into the launch of Lotus Counseling of Connecticut. I began yoga once or twice a week, which eventually shifted into practicing every night at home. I stopped worrying about my bank account. About what others thought about the choices I was making. About what the end result of all of this could be. And I began making connections. I began being vulnerable. I began being authentic. Because I’ve realized, and accepted, that all of this could be gone tomorrow.
So, for today, peace and good vibes to you all. Thank you for sharing in my journey with me.